Mars One put out a press release announcing that 100 hopefuls have made it through to the next round of the selection process to be the first humans on Mars. I am actually two degrees away from knowing one of the candidates as my Work-Wife’s ex is one of the elite 100. So it’s basically like I’m in the group, right?
Almost, except…well, it turns out I’m too damn short to go to Mars!
Husband and I were chatting about it, and we both decided that if I should die first, then he should definitely try to go to Mars. It would be the right thing. (I, on the other hand, will retire to a cottage in a Cotswold Village with a cat.) Husband worried about his age being an issue, so we went on the website to see what the requirements were. Turns out his age is not an issue, but come to find out that even if I did want to go to Mars, I couldn’t because “The standing height must be between 157 and 190 cm.” You’d think that 5’.15” would cover even the most wee of people, but it doesn’t cover this hobbit who clocks in at 5 feet ¾ of one inch, or 154.686 cm.
Argggh. Well, I’m used to this. After all, not being eligible to go to Mars isn’t the only thing we Liliputians have to deal with. Can you lucky people over 5’2” understand the humiliation of the following:
-Having random tall people (OK, maybe just my husband) pat you on the head.
-Always having a tailor on speed dial. Hell will freeze over the day I find a pair of jeans I don’t have to hem. Ha!
-Front row, full-body shot of any group photo.
-Being relegated to the hump every time there are three people in the backseat.
-Never being able to gain any weight, ever, because even five pounds means going up a full dress-size.
But life as a height-challenged person isn’t all bad. Even though we don’t get to go to Mars, here’s some cool stuff we DO get to do:
-Buy clothes in the boys department of Target.
-Stretch out our legs while flying coach.
-Get carded well into our 30s and sometimes our 40s.
-Never have to duck. Anywhere.
-Be able to date any guy because every guy is tall enough (this, of course, in my single days).
-Have the coolest nicknames. And if there are two of you with the same name in your group, then you get to be “Little _______.”
Of course, my husband the 6’5” giant laughed and laughed when he saw that my height didn’t qualify me to go to Mars. Until he saw the top end of the height requirement: 6.23 feet. Turns out that we are the rare Too Short/Too Tall to Go To Mars Couple. I knew no one else would have us – not even the Martians.
So let me save you some time. You don’t need a website to tell you if you qualify for life on Mars. Take a look at the photos below. If your height falls anywhere between the two of us, well, good news…You are eligible to go to Mars!